Thursday, August 26, 2021

From Burning midnight oil to burnt out

Sometimes, it is just hard to get motivated. I have been the same for years now. As motivation has drained out from my soul, I look at the piling works and projects that I am supposed to do, but haven't done. I know it won’t take me few minutes, hours or days, but yet I lose this battle of doing it. Perhaps, I am succumbing to the fact that nothing excites me. Not that the reward system of my brains are not rewarded, but it is hard to explain why I feel the way I feel right now.

I am pretty sure, that many are going through the same phase. That many don’t wish to work, despite knowing the work.

Just the other day, as I was having lunch with one of my best friends, we stumbled upon a topic – The juncture of life. He said, that he was told that he had come to a juncture in life, whereby he had option to leave his civil service or continue paving his way being a government Principal Engineer.

I remembered when I reached that phase. The time, I had told myself, that as an engineer, wherever we went, we had to work, be it in government, project authorities, private sector or corporation. An engineer had to work. My journey promised me land of good incentives and never ending stressful days. I was up to it, and I loved and love what I was embarking upon.

But of lately, for some past two years, I don’t feel like getting up from my bed. Especially after getting involved with a failing project, which I thought I could rescue. I still am hopeful that I am not late. That I feel that I have lost control over what my intentions were and have to be. Perhaps, with age, with degenerating brain, I have become more forgetful.

Now that I am here, I don’t intend to stay here, but I cannot seem to make a break through. It’s like the limbo of laziness, unmotivated days.

If I look back, I wonder how I managed all those responsibilities bestowed upon me. How hard I used to work and it didn’t really bother me, how I was judged. I had the passion of Paris for Helen, just that my work was Helen. Any tasks, I would lose my sleeps, read more and completed them. If I didn't know, I would ask around or learn a new skill to complete them and complete them I did. Today, at times, I get messages from younger guys who are enthusiastic about their works and their curiosities about learning new things. With age, I am in this stage whereby the more I have lived, the more my glasses of hopes and ambitions get shattered – not many senior engineers to look upon, or not much of a zeal to follow mentors. It’s like, we all are living a big lie, that most of our engineering sector is supported on the very pillars and foundations of bluffs – that many designs and estimates are all not much accurate – that many contracts are just fruits from the past decades, rotting and diseasing what needs to be done. And we all wonder why we spend so much?

A new skill perhaps, should help. I look ahead for better tomorrow, whereby I am more motivated than I am now. And it’s just going to be 4 am in the morning. I would rather watch a Samurai movie than ponder upon a dispute. Did we make the right choice of not leaving the nation, thinking an age old phenomenon what led us to engineering – bahut scope hai?

1 comment:

  1. Now I know why you took ages to make a damn drawing for me which I know you could complete in a few minutes...
    Well man, I see a passionate entrepreneur in you, who is passionate about creating your own product using your vast engineering knowledge...but you are trapped in an engineering job in the most traditional sense of the word.


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