Thursday, February 8, 2018

Is anything any worth?

It's going to be 5:00 am, and I am not home, not that I was out drinking with my friends or was partying hard. I am just working on a tender document which was assigned to me a few days ago : 3 days to submission. In next five hours, I am meant to submit this tender - which will of course shape and change the entire building rules and regulations of Bhutan - not that I am capable of doing it but the tender document is about changing few of the guidelines and rules. 

Next to my desktop, there lies my coworker, who has worked for few days and nights, he is pretty exhausted and he is designing a god damn college - again, not something that we wanted to or are doing out of our visions, just that we won few works to design these colleges - yes colleges. 

It's already been more than a hell lot of hours and we are here, doing our jobs and most of all : doing what we really love doing: designing something new. 

In aghast of all these tiresome write ups and proposal writings, in all these 3 D models, amongst all these analysis, amongst the cigarette butts and amongst these super computers and a dozen of monitors - I wonder - is any of these any worth? 

Most often Engineers and Architects desire to be designers - but in order to be a designer one has to sacrifice a lot. It isn't that one gets to be a designer or will be capable to design something right out of his or her college. I have come across so many architects and engineers who think they just deserve to be paid because they have certificates - but being in a position to be paid and be hired for consultation or execution in itself is an honour - it speaks about your capability and your worth. 

Many times, I have come across engineers who have spent a decade or two after their college and they don't know a shit about designing. They just are out there, mooching out of their subordinates and some just taking advantage of their post. I have come across architects who don't even have skills to draw a single tangible line - be it in autocad or using their hands. 

I am not saying that we are great, that we are the pioneers of future nor am I saying that what we are doing here is something that many can't do - of course there are so many fields and jobs out there - who ask their employees not to sleep and serve the duty. 

It's been a while, ever since 2011, I have been working hard, I have been sacrificing my sleeps over tenders and designs and deadlines. It has soured my relationship with my family and it bothers me that it would ruin everything that is in future with my loved one - my own family - wife, parents, siblings. 

I read it once, that once the Germans or the Russians conducted experiments upon humans, who weren't allowed to sleep for days and they pealed off their skins and talked gibberish. It was scary to those who were experimenting them - I say, it must have been something very honest from their end. 

It's not a complaint or anything, I just feel that folks should keep their words more than their ego. And I am not going berserk, but I really wish and hope that someday that many in private sectors started keeping their words. 

Right now any private sector is all about: Make them work and make money for money myself! 

With everything happening around me, now I am even more skeptic to join any firm - despite their offers - some would really sell their kidneys for it. 

And in all these hassels of documentations, while I look at my colleague who has taken few hours for rest, I really question the very existence of anything and everything: it isn't the job - because I worked like this when I was in corporation as well - going sleepless and meeting deadlines - rewarded not by promotions or incentives but with extra works from incompetent bosses who were too dumb to be bosses. 

Now that I find myself in this circle, I realize that nobody is wrong - it is myself who have pushed myself to this extend of work. Is it really worth? I just realize, this will be my last tender - from hereon, if someone gives me any works for free (oh my god I haven't even talked about free jobs that I did out of pity for those folks who have built factories - yes I did charity jobs for freaking factories) or asks me to do jobs like this one - I will never do it. I am really done, I really am - of people taking advantage of my attitude of not saying NO. I really am done for being the scape goats of others' incompetencies and I really am done feeling sorry and feeling bad for folks and helping them while they made easy money out of it. I really am done sacrificing. 

And 30 more minutes from here, it will be 6 am in the morning. Some folks might be waking up, trying to get their kids ready for their schools and they themselves might be getting ready to get to work. And Here I am, watching out of these windows, at those parked cars and wondering, where the hell did those barking dogs vanish? Is it really cold outside that dogs even can't exercise their vocal chords? It is at this moment, I ask myself, is anything any worth? Forget the zeros in your payscale, is it really worth? 

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