Friday, June 16, 2017

True to Oneself.

It's morning and the mists are being swayed away by the rays of sun. What was once a chilly cold office is now being heated and the house flies pay their visits after the formal guests: mosquitoes! 
To lead one's life, one is very confused. We tend to read and try to learn from our role models, compendiums and books, listen to divine saints, priests and holy books upon the essence and meanings of life. There can't be one rigid way to lead one's life, there cannot be one fixed parameter to summon one's ideology about life. Eventually, everybody is craving for that one primary goal - to be happy in their hearts. All those quests for prosperity, fame, achievements, etc., are secondary. 

All my life, I have always been amazed and confused over how to lead my own life and each day, I tried to learn new thing, try to find new answers and the voyage and saga had lead me to places, in arms of memories that cannot be erased now. Everyday, I felt I wasn't doing enough and there was more that I could do or I should do, there was more to learn in painting, to sketch, there were more books to be read, more articles to be written, more projects to be done, more softwares to be learnt, more tricks to be learnt at work, more time to be spent upon learning new skills, more people to be met, to hear their stories - there never was 'I am satisfied with what I am doing and what I have'. Yet I could only say that I tried and I can try. I tried to study others and tried to inculcate those good things and at times I failed, I failed miserably and at times I succeeded. In all these, the notions were not rigid, the practices weren't fixed and everything was mobile. Perhaps, the concept and philosophy of Ying and Yang seems to be true, perhaps, what's going to keep you happy for a while will make you sad some day, and the vice versa. 

From victimizing oneself to feeling pity upon others, from killing oneself slowly to loving oneself, in all these I realized the essence of confidence and self love, and the satisfaction to being truthful to oneself. 

We cannot lead our lives always pleasing everybody, and there's no rocket science in it and neither does it have any new meaning to it: the memes on any social network will preach you that. 

But what comes beyond, being truthful to oneself is palpable, in sense that you see differences from what you were yesterday and what you are today and what you will be tomorrow. Perhaps, accepting your wrong doings, your short comes and realizing that certain things are just beyond your reach makes you a better person. I cannot say that I am a better person, but I cannot stop either. 

I think at one point of our lives, we eventually accept what and who we are, why we are the way we are and how we landed up being what and who we were. It is then that we would do things whole heartedly and do things with pleasure. Maybe, it is then that we really desire and not just make a mere wishes to our dreams, that we really make an afford to come out of our comfort zone and embark upon the journey to our own satisfaction. 

I remember the poem which I was taught in Junior high school, 'If' by Rudyard Kipling: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

Most often, when I write these thoughts of mine, I realize that I act like a narcissistic prick who has answers to all, or I pretend to be one, but these are all my mere thoughts and unlike others, I just write it down and post it here. It isn't for attention, it isn't for popularity or it isn't about trying to prove the world that I feel superior with these mere thoughts. It's all about satisfaction eventually, writing and expressing thoughts in itself is a sort of achievement, it isn't more or lesser than hugging your favourite person, or for that matter if you are a teenage girl then hugging a teddy bear or for that matter if you are an adult - chewing doma or playing archery is fine. 

Perhaps, with age, I cannot agree to the point that I have become wiser nor stopped to be miser, but with time, I am realizing that certain things are beyond my range, that certain things I can never change, that certain things I can never do, that certain places I will never reach, that certain food I will never taste, that certain people I can never cheer, that certain projects I can never get, that certain books I will never read, that certain dreams I will never live, that certain moments I will never steal like a thief. And it is all okay, that doesn't mean it's the end for me, of me and what is there to come for me. Accepting yourself and being true to yourself, it doesn't open upon some pandora's box to your self doom, nor will it give you some melodies of listening to serenades, nor will it make you invincible against all the hurricanes of your life's misery, nor will it be your kryptonite neither your philosopher's stone - it just makes you realize that you are different in your own ways, that you are not so different from others as well and it does prepare you to be more calm. 

The mists have evaporated, there's nothing that stops the rays of sun, and it's in each moments of nature that tries to teach us something: your mists of agony and ignorance will someday leave you.