Friday, December 18, 2015

The best Boss?

You know, 2015 wasn't good to me. I don't know if this was a year of bad luck or gods were playing dices over my feelings. 

It was the year I learned to cry and actually feel for myself and people around me. It was in a very mean way that life taught me things and took me places I didn't intend to and intended to go. 

Anyway, it is a strange thing to be in our society. Everybody will be around you when you are having good times. But if you say or admit that you are sad, then you get judged. You are treated as if you have Ebola. It is interesting, why one would get one's respect. 


So, I was sad and I was put on sleeping pills and I missed office. I was on earned leave. You know out of four years of my service, I didn't take much leave. First year I took three and half days of leave, then five in second year and nine days in third year. However, on fourth year, I took earned leave, straight three weeks. And it is interesting when you have a broken hand and broken heart that you don't want to do things you are good at. Not bragging, but I was involved in works which many of my seniors weren't capable of. So, there were times, I did night outs at the office. So, I knew when the sweepers came and how many watchmen were assigned. I knew which ones smoked and which ones snored while they slept. 

But 2015 was rude to me. It was the year of sadness and binge drinking. 

I avoided most of the works. If I was sound with healthy mind, it would have taken me few hours, yet I avoided. I tried my best not to be sad, but it didn't help. 

So, when I was too troubled and I couldn't do anything, I went to hospital. I got admitted once as well. The pills kept me drowsy entire days and it was really really tough. I wasn't suicidal however, I had learned to live with my demons and fears. Inch by inch, I faced the devil in me. Sadness is weird, you can't touch it, you can't love it, you can't kiss it, you can't even address that you are with it, you can only go through it. Those melancholic days landed me up at home. I didn't sketch, I didn't write or read, I was just home most of the days - drinking or drinking with friends. 

There were times when I had panic attacks and I had to be monitored by friends. You know, when the amount of air around you is not sufficient, your palms sweaty and feet as well, heart beats higher and your brain shut. It is weird, it is as if you look death in the eye and yet you know, that you are not ready to host death as your guest, or as a companion. It is fearful, yet, thanks to my friends who took care of me. Those days of panic attacks, and I couldn't tell many people around, because being sad in our society is like having Ebola, as mentioned earlier. 

There were days when I smoked like five to six packets and my monthly expenditure on cigarettes alone crossed ten grands. 

It was one cold night, I hadn't gone to office and I was searched. The pros and cons of being good at work, you get more works and you are always missed. I don't receive much calls from friends or family, I am called more by contractors. I am called when I shit, eat, sleep, or worse, when I am at funerals. Anyway, I was home and I felt suffocated. That night I got a call from my boss. He is the Chief Engineer. He is a very powerful man in our project and he is not someone you want to piss off. If you mess up with him, you are done. So, I get a call from him. I was in dilemma whether to answer him or not? I usually don't answer most of the calls, it depends upon my mood whether to talk or not to talk.  

I knew that I would be scolded. But to my amazement, he didn't scold. The first thing he asked me was, was I still depressed? I said, I am recovering. The following conversation happened which I remember vividly and he was slightly tipsy.  

He: So, where's your wife? 
Me: I don't have a wife, Sir. 
He: Oh, what about your girl friend then?
Me: we broke up a year ago, Sir, that's where it all started. 
He: You are a young man, and your problem is that you feel too much. Maybe that's why you are good with sketches, but you don't know how to live a life. You feel too much. You take everything seriously. Give yourself a break. Make new girl friends and sleep with them. 
Me: Sir, I don't cheat and am not good with girls. 
He: I know that, and that will cause you trouble. It is okay at times to be lenient. You are young, how old are you? 
Me: Sir, I am 27 years old. 
He: see you are young. And you haven't lived your life. You feel too much, you are serious with everything. Don't get sad. I know you have responsibilities and you are a good man. But you haven't learned how to live your life. If you come to our age, how will you manage stress? Fuck stress! Leave it aside, if you feel troubled, drink and sleep. You must not be sleeping as well inna? 
Me: Yes Sir, I can't sleep much. 
He: Awww.... go flirt with girls and live your life. Don't be stressed. You are young. You need to face problems and everybody's got problems. You just can't shut yourself from people around. 
Me: Yes la. You are right Sir. 
He: Okay, I will see you in office and don't take stress seriously. You have your whole life ahead of you. 
He hung up after consoling me for next five or ten minutes. I did feel good. 

I would visit work the next day and finish off a work which was pending for some eight months within a day. I guess am good. It is just that at times, we all lose our paths. And it is okay. It just taught me how sad people could get, and next time I see someone sad, I exactly know how to behave around them. Sadness is not contagious and it is not a disease. It is just a state of mind. And me being sad and drinking most of the days, gives me a filter, which assures me which people to let in or not? Because when happy and prosperous anybody will be around you. These worst days of mine, who will see me like I am, they only deserve my respect and my friendship. And trust me, I am blessed to have so many good people around me. They tell me that I am interesting as fuck, I guess I am :)

I don't know who I am. I am such a confused person. I love to write, read, sketch, eat and I smoke a lot. I miss my friends and I tell them when I miss them. I am an analytical person, I get called that I am negative, but I don't think so. I just see things which people fail to address and I bring out the truth which many don't want to face. At site as well, I am very much particular about why the finishing of a pillar is not straight. Labours always tell me that I see things which my bosses fail to. Maybe that's the reason, when it comes to myself, my works, I tend to do it very seriously and I insult people around who don't have this passion. He was right, my boss, I do feel everything too much. 

And I seriously don't know who am I or who I am or what I am suppose to do? But I surely am embracing life these days. 

Ps: I had made my mind to leave the project. I was involved in a work which made me communicate with my ex. We were the only Bhutanese Engineers who were assigned with that work. I went to office twice with my resignation letter, I was denied twice. I had a better offer in Thimphu and at my age that salary was something. Yet I was denied my resignation by my boss, I was rather given A3 printer, which is not given to every other Engineer. 

This is just a raw article. And you know, that I don't read what I write and edit it. You also know that, if I don't write about a topic which I feel to write about, then no more articles come. And this is one, a very personal which was blocking me to write about other topics. Here, now that I am done, next article will be about Politicians and Helicopter, and not to forget about HIV Positive Women who were taken advantage of. Good day folks, I need a drink now. 

5 comments :

  1. Hey Dawa, sorry about what you'd gone through. No wonder you were suddenly going quiet for some time. I hope and from this post, I believe you have gotten much better now. Your CE was cute! After all, he cared about you in his own way and perhaps he appreciated not only your works but you as a person.

    Keep being you the way you are and I hope you get what you wish for pretty soon! You are back and not defeated. Keep going! :)

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  2. Dear Rima,
    Thank you for reading. Come to Bhutan again. It was nice to see you in person. :)
    I am doing good these days.

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  3. Dear Dawa, yeah, hopefully one day I'll visit Bhutan again. Will meet you again for sure! Nice meeting you in person too! Glad to hear you are doing good these days! Keep going good tub la? Take care! :)

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  5. Brother, all you need is to express what you feel (good that you talked with CE about your tough goings) and it really helps. when their is no friends who are ready to give their ears, I go for pen & paper. This so called 'expressing feelings' really helps. Forget the past & live the present

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