Sunday, September 13, 2015

And then I fell in love

I look in the mirror and I wonder what went wrong? Why am I here where I stand today? Am I happy or do I deserve to be where I am?

 If you know me in person,  you will know that I am not much of an ambitious and neither am I a materialistic person. Is that good or bad I don't know.

I go around in pajamas with my hair not combed and oiled. I don't have ambitions to own something, not as of now and I am content with what I have, except for my computer. I don't save much, don't worry about future, cook what I love to eat, drink as if I am some storage tank for liquor, smoke as if I am a chimney, don't follow every other women, ardent passionate lover - been one for ages. Smoking came as an experiment, it became high school swag and when I realized what I was upto, I had already and am addicted to it. On an average I smoke two to three packs a day. Maximum was when I smoked 6 packs a day. And there was a time I did 5 packs for a whole week and I felt ill. All these might speak about me as a sad person. And yes, I am not ashamed to admit that I was sad. I wasn't sad during college or high school. I come from middle class family and I believe I was raised as a gentleman by my mother and father, who were just excited to see my new friends, because I didn't have much friends till I reached high school. I would rather hang out with my cousins and listen to songs, paint, read, watch TV or go on walks. Most often you might have had found me at changangkha pokto, I always was there alone and loved to watch the town, was a bit of a loner then, but I wasn't sad. And not to forget walks towards takin zoo and collecting specimens for biology class - one time I had stored chicken's eye, which would rot because I couldn't steal formalin from lab. There were these few numbers of test tubes at home. Oh and forgot to mention, stealing sey yaad aya, that I wanted to fly rocket when I was in 8th grade and wanted to steal gun powder as well. I had this interest for rockets, and I was quite amazed that Lynpo Khandu Wangchuk knew about rockets. It was in one of those science exhibitions whereby he discussed a very famous rocket bomb used in second world war, V2, it was for five minutes and during those days it meant a lot. I had this incidence of sodium bursting and getting into my eyes. Hurt a lot, but due to that I can vibrate my eyes faster, which not many but few of my friends have seen. I have so many interests and so many places I have put my hands. My first pay check wasn't when I graduated. It was one of those chilly days during December when I had cleared 8th standard and painted. At times I would make double the amount of what my father made. Maybe that's why I don't value money, because I am still confident that I can some how come up with the required sum. 

Lately I can almost sing, can almost write, can almost sketch and am almost a good engineer.  Because I am requested to write for few, asked to sketch and few of my friends ask my help at work. And it isn't that I haven't made mistakes. I have and am not afraid to make more of it in future, for that is how one learns. 

Maybe, all my life I was hard on myself. 

Then I realized about so many things that I have done, things not many would have or could have. Not that I am proud of them. I am not one of those boys who will upload a shitty music video on YouTube and when people speak the truth, fights them back. Not a person that if you don't like my services and you let me know,  I complain back or challenge you - oh that is provided you are right, I don't mind rectifying. Not a person who will fight you back with my reasonings if you don't like my sketches, I re-do them. I have now met so many friends and I love socialising. Meeting people who are really smart and kind, from diferent kinds of mode. 

And it is then, when I realized how far I have come in life, I look at the mirror, and see a face that is amazing.  Haha. Amama. ...ola...!!!! I see a pretty boy with a very cute dimple, all my senses are working fine, all my teeth are intact, slightly fat but sexy as fuck. I see a man in that image, a man who has seen things at tender age and henceforth his heart can feel. His mind can actually think and analyse,  remember too and he thought it was just a curse? It is a gift indeed. And then I fell in love, for the first time in my life, I feel in love with myself. 

And then I started to treat myself with all the things that I wanted to do and will do all the things that I should have. If half of the things I didn't do to make others happy and let them exploit me, by this time, I would have utilised those lost hours to the extend whereby I would have known and achieved more. Better late than never. I should value my gifts well, not let someone go Steve Jobs over me. 

I had not been a proud man. Because what so ever I did, in all my ways, I was very much confused and not sure what the heck was I doing? I was doing them however and wasn't confident at all. Then I looked around, people who couldn't do what I did were even more confident and had high notions about themselves. They were not wrong. They were very much right indeed. Call it self respect or idiocy or arrogance, one should fall in love with oneself. How would anybody value your existence if you don't value your own? The world is your oyster and you only have one life, make it big, because I am tryin it myself. Let you love yourself, for nobody will. Be nice to people who are nice to you and give hell to those who treats you badly. I am doing it and god, it is such a splendid feeling. I am only a man, I can't please everybody for I am not a Saint. And I know someone somewhere would kill to be like me, to be with me. 

Autumn is here, so am I in love with myself.  I am just awesome. And am not a smug. 

PS.  This article is a very narcissistic one, but leave me alone. I am in love with myself and people in love don't care about consequences and circumstances. Sir or Madam, your opinions will be treated like beef curry. Yes, for I will eat it, digest it and shit. Thank you. 

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